You Can Do It—But At What Cost?Accommodations and High-Masking Autism

Written By Sophie Tomsky

There’s growing research showing that autistic brains tend to take in more information than non-autistic brains—more sensory input, more detail, more data all at once (Remington et al., 2009; Robertson & Baron-Cohen, 2017).

That means we’re not “overreacting” when we get overwhelmed. Our nervous systems are literally processing more.

Over time, that increased load can lead to:

  • sensory overwhelm

  • meltdowns or shutdowns

  • and, for many of us, long-term burnout

Autistic burnout isn’t just feeling tired. It can include skill loss, reduced functioning, and a decreased capacity to do things we were once able to do (Raymaker et al., 2020).

Which is why protecting our nervous systems isn’t optional—it’s essential.

The Catch: When Your Own Parts Block Accommodations

Something I see often (and have experienced myself) is that high-masking autistic people can have parts that resist accommodations.

Parts that say things like:

  • “You should be able to do this.”

  • “Other people don’t need help with this.”

  • “You’re being dramatic.”

These parts often formed in environments where we had to push through, perform, or appear “fine.” They’re trying to protect us—but they can end up increasing burnout.

We can work with these parts in IFS sessions—understanding what they’re protecting and helping them soften a bit over time.

And also:

Masking may always be part of our lives in some way.

The goal isn’t to get rid of it completely.
It’s to rely on it less, have more spaces where we don’t need it, and reduce the cost when we do.

Accommodations help us to do that.

“I Can Do It” vs. “What Does It Cost Me?”

There are things I can do… but that doesn’t mean they’re sustainable.

There was a time in my life when I couldn’t pump my own gas because of the sensory experience.
I can do it sometimes now.

But because I know it’s a huge load for my nervous system, I almost always ask my husband to do it. He knows that’s something I need help with.

I can do it.
But it might:

  • take too much out of me

  • push me closer to overwhelm

  • or use up too many of my “spoons”

(If you’re not familiar, spoon theory is a way of describing limited energy resources—coined by Christine Miserandino, 2003.— look it up!)

Capacity Isn’t Fixed

Another important piece that often gets missed:

Our capacity can change at any moment.

You might start the day feeling like you can handle something—and then your nervous system shifts, and suddenly you can’t.

That doesn’t mean you were wrong earlier.
It doesn’t mean you’re inconsistent.

It means your system is dynamic.

Autistic nervous systems are especially sensitive to cumulative load—sensory input, social demands, stress, and internal processing all stack (Milton, 2012; Hull et al., 2017).

So part of supporting yourself is allowing your needs to change in real time, without forcing yourself to follow through just because you thought you could earlier.

We Have to Triage Our Needs

Sometimes the most important shift is this:

We stop asking “Can I do this?”
and start asking “Is this worth the cost to my nervous system?”

That’s where triaging comes in.

Triaging means prioritizing what actually needs your energy, and what doesn’t. It’s deciding:

  • what you do yourself

  • what you modify

  • what you get help with

  • and what you let go of entirely

Not everything deserves your spoons.

Accommodations Are a Lifeline, Not a Luxury

For some of us, these are things we have always needed—and will always need.

That’s our nervous system asking for support.

And when we accept that, we can start building lives that actually support us instead of constantly pushing us toward burnout.

Areas Where Accommodations Can Help

Sensory

  • Having stim toys (my favorite is NeeDoh :)

  • Creating a space you can decompress in—textures, lighting, colors that feel good to your body

  • Using headphones, sunglasses, or controlling sensory input where you can

  • Really thinking about the clothing you choose to wear—does it actually feel good? If it doesn’t, it can build up sensory load over time. If you’re coming home wanting to immediately tear your clothes off, they might not be worth the look.

Daily Life & Home

  • Asking for help with organization or cleaning

    • applying for PCA services

    • asking a friend

    • or hiring a housekeeper

  • Having items delivered when shopping is too overwhelming

  • Having “safe foods” on hand—keeping easy, accessible foods you know you can eat for low-capacity days, when cooking feels impossible or your appetite is low

  • Simplifying your environment so there’s less constant input to process

Cognitive Load

  • Offloading decisions where you can

  • Using templates or saved responses for common messages so you don’t have to start from scratch each time

  • Externalizing tasks (lists, reminders, notes) instead of holding everything in your head

  • Turning off email, social media or news at a certain time each day (or limiting to only certain days of the week) to give your nervous system a break from constant input

Social

  • Picking venues you already know don’t overwhelm you

  • Meeting outdoors, which can reduce sensory demand for some people

  • Building in exits or shorter plans

  • Don’t be afraid to tell your friends you need accommodations—they can’t know if you don’t tell them

  • Some of my favorite friendships are the ones where we say, “let’s get together Tuesday if we both still have spoons”—low demand, flexible, and able to adjust if needed

Work / Tasks

  • Asking for clear expectations, written instructions, or follow-up emails after meetings

  • Taking breaks before you feel overwhelmed, not just after

  • Reducing context switching (batching similar tasks together)

  • Advocating for communication styles that work better for you (email vs. phone, time to process before responding)

  • Creating low-demand transitions between tasks (a few minutes to reset your nervous system)

  • Leaving space in your schedule for regulation, not just productivity

You don’t have to earn the right to accommodate yourself.

You don’t have to be at your breaking point first.

And you don’t have to justify why something is hard if it is hard for your nervous system.

Supporting yourself isn’t giving up.

It’s how you keep going.

These are just ideas—take what fits and leave what doesn’t. Your needs are unique, and what works for you might look different day to day.

Supporting yourself in these ways doesn’t limit your life—it makes it more sustainable. Accommodating your nervous system’s needs allows you to build a life that actually feels good.

References

  • Hull, L. et al. (2017). “Putting on My Best Normal”: Social Camouflaging in Adults with Autism Spectrum Conditions.

  • Milton, D. (2012). On the Ontological Status of Autism: The ‘Double Empathy Problem’.

  • Raymaker, D. M. et al. (2020). Having All of Your Internal Resources Exhausted Beyond Measure and Being Left with No Clean-Up Crew: Defining Autistic Burnout.

  • Remington, A. et al. (2009). Selective Attention and Perceptual Load in Autism Spectrum Disorder.

  • Robertson, C. E., & Baron-Cohen, S. (2017). Sensory Perception in Autism.

  • Miserandino, C. (2003). The Spoon Theory.


This article was created by my brain, with AI used as a language accommodation.

Sophie Tomsky
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When Masking Looks Like Friendship (But Isn’t)